I had been blessed very early on with faith in a God. i believed there existed a God who made everything present in the world. But i never really acted upon my faith. i just took my faith for granted and never bothered to pray or talk about God to anyone, until things started happening in my life. I was lonely, depressed, feeling worthless and also suicidal. Didn't know whom to talk to, where to go, i did not trust anyone. That is when i started thinking about my existence in the world, What is the meaning of my life? Why do i exist ? Why do i have these issues? my friends seemed to be fine , enjoying school and all, here i was dragging myself everyday with a heavy heart not knowing what to do.
I was raised a catholic, went to catechism classes, but none of those had helped me in those moments of my desperation. In my attempt to find God, i started having simple conversations with Him., explaining my desperate situation. Well, something did happen,I got an opportunity to attempt a retreat. And it changed my life. I understood my faith better, i knew i was not alone, that there was someone watching us all day,caring and waiting to help us when we need, all we need to do is ask. Jesus is mercy in abundance. His mother, Virgin Mary would do anything to bring us back to Him .
Now this happened a few years back. But in a few months back i started having waves of temptations about existence of God. I knew he was there somewhere but i couldn't feel his presence. I started searching for him, laying my hands on everything i could read about Jesus, watching every video about Him. He was truly testing me. And i failed sometimes, i gave up many times believing he was not real. But yet His people, books,prayers,videos were coming in full force toward me, teaching me, guiding me back towards Him. I ran towards Him when it all were making sense, but Jesus was with me so close the whole time.
There are still times when i feel Him not with me. Those are the times when i panic and think He left me. But i understood He does that to bring us closer to Him. He puts those road blocks so that we go in search for Him, so that we know him more and understand who He is and who we are in Him. His love is amazing and never failing. We sometimes need to go in search for Him.
Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”
